


The Sun

by Kittywu



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Jearmin Secret Santa, M/M, a bit of angst, a dash of romance, canonverse, gift for aespren, mostly trainee days
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-26
Updated: 2014-12-26
Packaged: 2018-03-03 18:11:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2860247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kittywu/pseuds/Kittywu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Have you ever wondered how the world outside the walls must be like?”, Armin asked as he looked into the sky.<br/>“I won’t go outside of these walls anyway, so what good will it do me to wonder how places that I’ll never be at look like?”, he said without looking up from his sketchbook. He didn’t even need to look at Armin’s face to regret his words, because the air felt different the second they had escaped his mouth.<br/>“Oh”, the other said. Jean bit his lip and looked up to see Armin gazing blankly into the distance.<br/>“Tell me about the outside world”, he said.<br/>A story of Jean learning how to comfort Armin.<br/>A story of first things.<br/>And a story of progress.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Sun

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Aespren](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aespren/gifts).



> Well, I'm your secret santa. Merry (late) christmas!! I hope you like this thing I wrote for you!  
> 

The first time that Jean noticed Armin Arlert, they weren’t even talking. Armin was talking to Eren, like he did most of the time, but as he was speaking, something caught his attention. He was talking about some kind of book that he was reading, and as their conversation went on, he got more and more excited and it seemed like his entire existence was starting to shine. He didn’t even really pay attention to what the blond boy was saying, but the way he was bursting with happiness and fascination made him wonder when he had last gotten that excited over something.

And oddly enough, he hoped that he’d get the chance to be pulled into a long conversation with him about something that would make his eyes light up like the stars.

\--

The second time he noticed Armin, everything that had been bright about him the other day was gone. He saw him sitting on the ground, his back leaned onto a tree, his knees pulled in tight. The only sounds that came out of his direction were occasional sobs. He looked miserable, like he had imploded.

Jean fought with the urge to walk up to him, he wanted to rub his shoulder, he wanted to tell him that things would be ok again, whatever was on his mind right now, it would get better. And he was already approaching him as a thought struck him: he didn’t really know him. He had never talked to him. And he wasn’t sure if Armin wanted him to see him cry. He was sitting a bit offside from the training grounds, hidden in the shelter of the trees. So he balled his hands to fists, bit his lip and walked past him to the spot where he sat down to sketch.

\--

He lay awake that night, staring at the ceiling of the dorm room the male trainees were sleeping in. He wondered why Armin had cried, what it had been that had reduced him to the ball of misery he had witnessed earlier. And he wondered if he had made the right choice, if it had been right to leave him like that. He wondered if Armin was better again. And he told himself that the next day, he would talk to him.

\--

Two weeks passed before he actually spoke to Armin. His first words to him were “Do you need help with your gear?”. “No, I’m fine”, he answered with a smile.

\--

He knew that Armin was one of the weaker trainees. He kind of wanted to help him out, wanted to spend his free evenings training with him. There was maybe a feeling of pity inside of him.

“If you ever need help with training, feel free to ask me”, he said one day. Armin looked at him, confused, maybe a bit offended.  
“I can manage this by myself.”  
“I’m sure that you can, but if you ever need help with something, you know where to find me, that’s what I wanted to say.” He hoped that he didn’t come off as rude, he knew that some of the trainees thought he was selfish, loud mouthed and easy to rile up. But maybe, he hoped, the things that he said would be taken just the way they were intended.  
“Thanks for the offer, but I don’t want to be a burden to you.”  
“You wouldn’t be a burden to me. That’s why I am offering you my help, you know?”  
“But we don’t even really know each other all too well.”  
“Doesn’t matter”  
“You aren’t actually an asshole, right?”

The way he said it, blatantly honest, and somehow incredibly innocent, made Jean smile. “I’m the nicest man on earth”, he said, a grin on his face.  
“Of course”, Armin said. His laugh was adorable.  
“Did you really think I am an asshole?”  
“Well you kind of were an ass to Eren and that is kind of what many people think of you – that you are some kind of ass who only cares for getting into the military police.”

Jean gulped. The other looked at him, large blue eyes piercing through him. He wondered what he saw and he wanted the other to see his inside, to look right into him and understand him. He somehow felt like Armin could.  
“But you see yourself rather as the misunderstood boy.”  
“That’s not true”, he stammered as he felt his face heating up in embarrassment. Armin smiled at him, his head tilted a bit to the side as if he knew everything about him.  
“I never said that it’s a bad thing, I don’t know you after all.”

His voice was soft and slowly, Jean started to understand that there was no need to pity him. He was strong in his own way.

\--

Jean still wondered if he should have talked to Armin that one day, if he should have tried to comfort him. As he grew to know him better and better, the feeling of regret got worse, actually. He got the feeling that Armin was utterly lonely, even though he was constantly surrounded by Eren or Mikasa. Armin knew how loss felt like. Jean had believed that the grief he had felt when his grandmother had passed away in her sleep when he had been a little boy had been terrible. But it had been gone after a few weeks. Now he realized that Armin always got really quiet whenever people talked about their parents, their families and their homes safe inside the walls.

\--

“Where are you going?”, Armin asked. He had suddenly appeared behind him, a wide grin on his face. Jean clutched the sketchbook tightly in his arms, feeling the blood rushing up into his face.  
“Nowhere in particular”, he said.  
“Then I’ll accompany your walk, if you don’t object.”

And then Armin was walking next to him, his blond hair glistening in the sun. His gaze fell onto the sketch book and wandered up to Jean, but he didn’t say anything. They just quietly walked around the training grounds together.  
“So what’s your secret?”, Armin asked after a while. Jean already knew that this boy was way too good at reading other people. That he observed and understood.  
“I draw”, he whispered.  
“What?”  
“I draw.” He tried his best to hide his flushed face but he knew that there was no use. He just hoped that Armin wouldn’t go around telling people about his hobby.  
“What do you draw?”, he asked with what Jean interpreted as genuine interest in his voice.  
“Most of the time nature. Leaves and flowers and stuff. Or the landscape.”  
“When I was little, my grandpa used to tell me stories about some great artists who lived ages ago and he showed me some beautiful paintings in a book about art. There were pictures of huge mountains and rocky cliffs and I was so amazed by those pictures – I can’t even imagine how the real landscapes must look like.”

There it was. This bright expression, these stars in his blue eyes, his voice shining with excitement. And Jean couldn’t help but feel excited as well.  
“If you want to, I’ll show you my drawings”, he said to Armin.  
“I’d love to”, the other answered.

\--

Another night, he heard someone sob from the other side of the dorm room. It came suspiciously from the corner where Armin and Eren’s bunk was. He stared in the direction, unsure of what to do. He kept staring until the sobs went quiet. And he wanted to punch himself for not doing anything once again.

\--

“Have you ever wondered how the world outside the walls must be like?”, Armin asked as he looked into the sky.  
“I won’t go outside of these walls anyway, so what good will it do me to wonder how places that I’ll never be at look like?”, he said without looking up from his sketchbook. He didn’t even need to look at Armin’s face to regret his words, because the air felt different the second they had escaped his mouth.  
“Oh”, the other said. Jean bit his lip and looked up to see Armin gazing blankly into the distance.  
“Tell me about the outside world”, he said.  
“Do you really want to hear about that?”, Armin asked.  
“It’s really important to you, isn’t it? So tell me about it. As much as you like. I’d be more than glad to listen.”

\--

Whenever Jean saw Armin and Eren together, he got a bit jealous. He saw how close they were, just like brothers, and he got jealous that he never had someone who had been as close to him as they were. He never had siblings and he never had such a good friend.

And then he realized how ridiculous that thought was because if he had learned one thing during the year at the trainee corps, it was that he had lived a protected life all the time and he should be more grateful for what he had.

But he wasn’t.

\--

It had been Armin’s idea that the landscape would probably look incredible from a higher point of view and that Jean should try drawing from somewhere elevated. It had been his idea to climb up the tree. Armin had first refused to let Jean help him get onto the tree but as he had realized that he couldn’t do it without his gear and without help, he willingly took Jean’s hand and let himself be pulled up the final bit.

“The view is amazing”, Armin said as he looked around.  
“You really have the best ideas, Armin”, he said and opened his sketchbook.  
“Did you want to become an artist before you decided to enter the military?” Armin peeked over his shoulder at the still blank page on his lap.  
“I have never really thought about what I wanted to do and then I decided that I want to get into the inner district. Besides, my drawings aren’t exactly good.”  
“When I was really young, I wanted to become a doctor like Eren’s father.”  
“Why did you change your mind?”  
“I don’t know, I just really wanted to see the outside world.”  
“You actually are crazy.” Jean playfully pinched Armin’s cheek.  
“And you are an asshole”, the other said and elbowed his side.

\--

He never realized that he and Armin were so close. He had realized that they had somehow become good friends, but the physical proximity of them never struck him. It was Connie who made a joking remark that he should be careful if Eren saw him being practically glued to Armin, he’d probably have another reason to start a fight.

After that remark, he couldn’t not realize how often they subconsciously touched, how close they usually sat to each other, how naturally they leaned onto one another.

\--

He saw Armin crying again the other day. This time, he took a deep breath, walked up to him and slid down the wall to where he was sitting. He put his arm around Armin’s shoulder and started to rub it slowly, he was at loss for words, he didn’t know what he was supposed to do. So he just rubbed Armin’s shoulder while the blond leaned into him and cried onto his uniform.

\--

Somewhen around that time, Jean also realized how much he just wanted to be there for Armin, how much he cared for him and how he just wanted to give everything he had to make that boy happy.

It scared him because he had never felt so strongly for someone before.

But then again, it made him happy to be around Armin. The way that Armin just knew what was going on in his head, the way they could talk like they had known each other their entire lives even though it had only been around two years. He liked it.

\--

Jean knew that it had been his fault. He waited in front of the infirmary, pacing up and down. He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to go inside.

If he hadn’t been trying to catch Armin’s attention the entire time, if he just hadn’t tried to show off during 3DMG training. Maybe then the whole collision wouldn’t have happened. There wouldn’t have been that accident. He didn’t quite grasp what he was waiting for, maybe for someone telling him that it wasn’t half bad, nothing worse than the usual little accidents during training. But the wait felt painful and heavy, made it hard to breathe and his stomach rumble. He couldn’t relax his hands, he just kept balling them to fists, pressing his nails into his palm until they hurt.

What was he going to do if it had been bad? If the accident had been worse than he had already expected. He had seen the deathly glares of Eren and Mikasa that had told him that he had completely screwed up. There was no need for them, because he already knew that he had. And the feeling was ripping him apart.

He knew that no one would do it for him, and he couldn’t do it himself nonetheless. But he still walked into the infirmary, his head hung low.  
“Is it really bad?”, he asked, scared of the answer.  
“It hurts a lot, but I’m gonna be fine, don’t worry”, the other reassured him. He didn’t quite believe him, seeing all the bruises and bandages, but he tried his best to smile.  
“Armin you don’t even know how sorry I am for what happened.”  
“You can’t change the past, you can just influence the future.” Armin tried to smile but his face gave away the pain that he was probably feeling and it nearly made Jean cry.  
“Really, don’t worry about me, there are more important things. You should worry more about making sure to get into the top 10 so you can enter the military police.”

\--

He only halfway cared about the top ten and the military police because every day he felt the burning glares of Eren and Mikasa that made him feel like they could kill him anytime. And every day, it felt like the training was cloudy, because it was missing a sun.

\--

The first time he was afraid of losing something was because of Armin.

Healing didn’t work out as planned. Armin developed a fever and the fever only got worse. As he sat next to Armin’s infirmary bed, he prayed with teary eyes that this wouldn’t be his deathbed. How should he forgive himself if this would be the end? He felt helpless, he felt like a child. He wanted to do something but he couldn’t. He just stroked the wet strands of blond hear off Armin’s forehead and tightly squeezed his hand as he was living through some kind of fever dream.

Maybe, if he wouldn’t let go of his hand, he could prevent losing him.

He muttered “everything will be well”s over and over again, he didn’t even know if he was saying them to Armin or to himself. The things that had been important to him didn’t even concerned him anymore. He tried to at least function during training, but he couldn’t. He tried not to think about Armin the entire time, but he couldn’t. They had to kick him out of the infirmary at night because he was too scared to leave.

As he walked back to the dorm room, he wondered if he even had the right to feel as bad as he did, they weren’t even that close, were they?

\--

Armin didn’t die in that infirmary and the day that Armin finally got to start training again felt like dawn after the longest and darkest night.

\--

“Are you sure that you feel well?”  
“I am. I’ve had to sit out for quite some time now. It’s time for me to get back on track. I only barely kept up with the rest of you before I got injured, and it’s even harder now.”  
“Maybe because you’re not fully healed yet!”  
“Even if, I can’t waste any more time. The nurse said I’m fine and instructor Shadis isn’t seeing any need to have me rest longer.”  
“But what if it gets worse again?”  
“Then it can’t be helped.”  
“Armin, I’m just worried that you –“  
“It’s ok. Stop it. I’ll be fine. How is the top ten going?”  
“Don’t you understand? I was so damn scared to lose you! And it was all my fault. So please, be careful. Don’t overdo it.”

\--

Jean grew to love that one tree, it became their tree.

\--

The first time that he kissed Armin was a rainy Wednesday afternoon. It was cold and it was grey, they were soaked from training outside. Their uniforms were sticking to their skin, their gear felt heavier than usual. Droplets of water rolled down from Armin’s long blond hair. He handed Jean a towel with a smile that told him more about how exhausted and frustrated Armin was than words ever could.

He had wanted to give him a reassuring pat on the shoulder, but he did it with too much force, the other flinched in pain and he started to apologize over and over again.  
“It’s ok, Jean”, he said and hit him onto his back, he tried to imitate Jean’s accidentally forceful pat but Armin’s was barely beyond soft.

It had just felt like a natural thing to lean down and press his lips onto Armin’s. It wasn’t even particularly romantic, definitely not how Jean had pictured his first kiss to be. Armin’s lips tasted like rain and like sweat, but he smiled and kissed them again.

He wasn’t even sure what the kiss meant, but the hands that found their way to his shoulders and after a few seconds rested at his lower back and the way that he felt Armin’s lips turning into a smile while he pressed short kisses onto them left him with butterflies in his stomach, with that fuzzy feeling that he got whenever he flew through the air with his gear.

\--

The first time that it struck him that he wouldn’t be seeing Armin anymore after they would have graduated came to him one night as he lay awake.

As a result, he carved their names into their tree. A bit higher than the branch where they usually sat, there were two names in the trunk. The letters looked edgy, and while he had done it, Armin had told him how bad it was for the tree to destroy its bark. But they had been happy as they watched the sunset, hand in hand on their tree.

Sometimes, they glanced over two the newly written letters. _Armin and Jean._

\--

“You will write me letters, promise me”, he said to Armin at the night of their graduation ceremony. He had made it. The top ten. He could enter the military police now. It was what he had always wanted.

But he wasn’t actually happy.

“I will. You have to promise me to send me some drawings with yours though”, Armin said and took his hand. He didn’t look pleased too, he had told him how much he was happy for him that he could enter the military police now, that he was glad that he could live a safer and comfortable life in the inner walls. He probably was glad that he didn’t have to fear for Jean’s life for now.

The look he gave him, the smile that he forced onto himself were a testimonial for what he really felt.

\--

That night, his dreams were weird and hazy. He heard screams, terrified screams and he saw blood. There was blood everywhere.

Maybe his fight with Eren had hit a nerve somewhere. When he woke up, drenched in sweat and with a racing heart, he hoped that those dreams were no bad omen.

\--

What was fear? What was horror? What was loss?

He learned about those feelings the following days.

\--

Jean wasn’t particularly looking for Armin, he was just afraid. He hadn’t seen the other since quite some time, and the thought of losing the people dear to him was still too fresh on him.

He wasn’t surprised when he found him in an offside corner, huddled up against the walls. His body appeared so lifeless that it made his heart stop for a split second, and it was only as he realized that Armin was breathing that he calmed down a bit. He was more surprised by the fact that Armin wasn’t crying but staring into the void.  
“Are you ok?” He wanted to be strong. He wanted to be the shoulder that he could lean on. Armin looked at him, he broke apart just that second, started to cry, to sob heavily.

What should he do?

He walked up to him, he crouched down and embraced him. Pressed Armin’s face into his chest. He run through his hair with his hand and mumbled “shh, I’m here, I’m here” into his forehead, while the other cried and cried, his body shaking. He didn’t let go, not as he realized that his shirt was wet from Armin’s tears, not as he realized how his legs started to hurt from the uncomfortable position he was in. He couldn’t let go, he didn’t want to let go.

“What is going to happen now?”, Armin said, his hands clinging tight onto Jean’s jacket.  
“I don’t know how to go on.”  
“You’re strong Armin. I used to think you were weak, but you’re incredibly strong. You can go on. You have to go on. For Eren, for Mikasa, and for me.” Jean wasn’t sure how much he believed his own words, because he felt the same, he wasn’t sure how living on would work and the future appeared dark and scary. Would the struggle be worth it in the end? He didn’t know. He tightened his hug, pressed Armin closer to him. Armin was still there. After all that had happened, he was still there, he could still hold him like this.  
“What if they die tomorrow? If you die tomorrow? I don’t want to see you die.”  
“We’ll both live. And we’ll see the ocean together, one day.”

\--

It had took him three years to learn how to be really there for Armin, how to comfort him. And he spend many nights with thinking back at his trainee days, wondering how things had been if he had learned earlier.

\--

“You’re not choosing the survey corps because of me are you?”  
“No. I do it because it’s the only thing that I could do with a clear conscience.”  
“You should go into the military police, Jean. It was the reason you joined the military in the first place. And I want you to be safe.”  
“I can’t.”  
“But you should. I’m not going to tell you about what you’re signing up for, because I think you know. You have the chance to live a life far away from all this.”  
“I know what I’m getting myself into. Remember what Eren had said the night of our graduation? I kind of get it now and I know it’s the right thing to do. Damn, I can’t believe that I’m following this suicidal bastard into hell.”  
“I’m scared Jean.”  
“I know. I’m too.”  
“Will we make it?”  
“Who knows? But I’m not gonna let you die.”  
“Me neither.”

\--

Armin kept his promise during their first expedition outside the walls.

\--

All those things, they didn’t make sense in his head. The whole thing with the female titan, he didn’t want to believe Armin’s conclusions. But he didn’t want to mistrust him either.

“Are you still awake?”, he heard a whisper from the bunk above him.  
“Yeah”, he answered. And then he heard the rustling of the bed, he heard bare feet on the ground. Armin sat down at the edge of his bed and he moved closer to the wall.

Armin’s feet were cold. He covered them both with his blanket, put his arms around him and his chin on top of Armin’s head.  
“I can’t sleep”, Armin whispered, hushed by the fabric of Jean’s shirt.  
“Are you cold?”, he asked him.  
“A bit. But you’re warm, so it’s ok” Jean smiled.  
“Do you want to talk until we fall asleep?” He didn’t add the “as usual”. They both knew that it was their best medicine, maybe the only one that worked. The other nodded, the movement of his head tickled his chest.

“I’m going to try drawing you when we get the next free hours for ourselves.” It was a pointless resolution. Unimportant considering the circumstances. But it had been the first thought that had crossed his mind.  
“I thought you don’t like drawing people?”  
“I really suck at it. But I kind of wanna try.” He kissed Armin’s forehead, wishing that they could be sitting in their tree, laughing about his failed attempts to draw something that wasn’t a landscape.  
“And then you’re starting with me?”, he heard and felt Armin giggle, but felt him tighten his grip around him at the same time.  
“Maybe I’m going to be a great artist after all.” He squeezed back.  
“Imagine people looking at your drawings years from now and wondering what you felt when you saw the things you drew. Remember the first sketches you showed me? You have improved so much since then!”

He hadn’t seen Armin shining in excitement for a long time. The room was dark, but it suddenly felt bright inside, like the sun had risen a few hours too early. And it made him feel warm, warmer than the heat of their bodies under the blanket.  

**Author's Note:**

> This thing turned out completely different than I initially planned it and completely different than what I thought would be the result when I started writing.  
> But I like the result. I really hope you do too :)  
> Again Merry Christmas and happy Jearminmas ^w^


End file.
